Lebron-e-Vision Marks the End of the Lebron-a-Thon

By: Alex Harris

The clock strikes 3:35 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010.  I receive a text message that reads, “I can’t believe that I am actually going to Lebron-a-Watch the Lebron-a-Thon on the Lebron-e-Vision tomorrow night.”  At first, I honestly didn’t know how to respond.  Should I steal the truly astonishing quote, or should I simply sit and wonder about Chris Broussard’s impending trip to the Pants Store?  In the end, I did both.

Who would have thought that all of the talking heads would see their predictions unfold after months of anticipation?  Of course I’m not referencing where Lebron, Wade, and the like will suit up next season, but rather the magnitude of what has been correctly dubbed “Free Agent Frenzy.”  To put it lightly, it is absolutely hilarious.  If you haven’t been following that closely, Darko Milicic signed a 4-year, $20 million contract and  ESPN hired a salary cap expert.  Funny enough for you?  Ok, ok.  How about the fact that Chris Bosh was filming a documentary as he was making arguably the most important decision of his basketball career?  Or my personal favorite, the New Jersey Nets thinking that they have the Blueprint for Greatness.  I still can’t determine if that alludes to Jay-Z’s best album or, uh, David Lee?  I presume only time will tell.

But, this article would not be complete without mentioning the climax of it all: an hour-long special on ESPN in which Lebron will let the proverbial cat out of the bag.  This reality show of a “Decision” is a media gold mine of epic proportions, and I must admit, I cannot wait.  The first question that comes to mind is, what the hell does Lebron need an entire hour for?  Will 54-ish minutes be allocated to his plethora of sponsors and a mere 1+5 for announcement and questions?  Or, will he spend his air time thanking the city of Cleveland for all that they have done for him, and reveal his plans to play in New York alongside Amare Stoudemire.  Maybe it will turn out to be the single greatest television show ever, and by the greatest show ever, I mean that Lebron will be joined by D-Wade and Chris Bosh on stage as they perform a choreographed dance to Hammer Time.

The more important question though, is what does Lebron really want?  Knocking on his door are winning, money, and undying love.  To be frank, undying love has already been achieved.  Cleveland fans will love Lebron James forever, no matter what he accomplishes, or where he plays.  We also can’t forget that he signed a $90 million contract with Nike before he stepped on an NBA floor, has State Farm car insurance, and drinks way too much Vitamin Water, not to mention the fact he’s been raking in max-player money for seven years.  And if winning mattered he’d already be in Chicago running the weave with Noah and Rose.

So, clearly, the answer lies behind door Number 4: Global Icon.  Lebron wants to be remembered, whether its for being the Billion Dollar Man, winning a championship or two, or being the best athlete in the world, seemingly doesn’t matter.  That’s why I truly believe tomorrow night he will make the decision to play for the New York Knicks, which still represents the best place for him to achieve his ultimate goal.

Final verdict: Signs 2-year deal with the Cavs.  Confused? Yeah, me too.  Basically, Lebron won’t be able to handle the hype.  He’s loved in Cleveland and he’s happy to stay there, even if it means an early exit from the playoffs for the next 10 years.  Sure, they’ll build a contender, but nothing to rival Orlando, LA, or Miami.  Case closed.