Eric Mangini Needs to Start Using His Imagination

By: Alex Harris

The other day, I was given the opportunity (albeit imaginary) to take a free tour of the scenic Cleveland Browns Stadium.  Right from the get-go, 1-15 looked like a long shot.  Player’s moods were sour, Brady Quinn was gingerly throwing empty bottles of  Myoplex across the workout facility, Derek Anderson was pompously wearing his 2007 Pro-Bowl jersey as he engaged in “chemistry dances” (as Mangini so cleverly titled partner drills) with Braylon Edwards, and head coach Eric Mangini was on the phone with Rex Ryan, chuckling, “I’ll never forget the first time I kissed Bill’s rings.”  All to be expected, but there was one aspect of the tour that stood out to me, and it was when I walked passed the film room.

To my delight, there was a 24 x 38 sign on the entryway that said, “F stands for Film, not Fun. I’m Eric Mangini.”  As I cracked open the door in hopes of landing an interview, I noticed that only 6 players were watching footage, yet it wasn’t footage from their embarrassing losses to Baltimore, Denver, or Minnesota.  It was a State Farm commercial.  It was a State Farm commercial in which Lebron James propels the Cleveland Browns to glory, and an eventual championship win.  It was a State Farm commercial that caught Eric Mangini’s attention.

Although I couldn’t get an interview with Derek Anderson to ask him about how pleasant it would be to still be on the Ravens, I did eventually get the opportunity to throw a few questions Mangini’s way.

Me: Hey Eric, how’s your youngest son, Zack Brett doing? I’m sure he saw Brett Favre, who you named him after, throw that great touchdown the other day.

Eric: It’s funny that you bring that up, because Zack calls Brett “Daddy” now.  My wife’s not too happy about that, but that Favre can play, huh?

Me: Until Week 12. So I hear you’ve gone with Derek Anderson now, replacing Brady Quinn at starting quarterback.

Eric: Yeah. Well as you know, Brady drinks tons of Myoplex, so his muscles are fortified… all the time.  But, he’s just not accurate enough.  Excuse my language, but we have one fucking offensive touchdown this year, and clearly, that’s not going to cut it.

Me: It seems to me like you need a spark, or an edge to better compete in the AFC North.  I saw you watching that State Farm commercial earlier, your thoughts?

Eric:  I’ve considered that commercial a try-out, and have made the decision to start Lebron James at quarterback, wide-receiver, and cornerback in Week 4.

Me: That’s so Manginius of you.  You should probably tell somebody about your gut-wrenching plans immediately, besides me. Your team, perhaps?

Eric: That’s so non-Manginius of you.  Suspense is what wins football games. (Gave a slight smirk and threw in a Chiclet.)

Unfortunately, Mangini had to run to a meeting with current Fed Chairmen Ben Bernanke (I found out later they were discussing issues of disclosure). Either way, this is unbelievable news.  Lebron James, the 2009 NBA MVP is scheduled to start this upcoming week against a surprising Cincinnati Bengals football team.

Lebron was quoted as saying, “I have no idea what Eric Mangini is talking about.  I didn’t send him nothing.”

Truly riveting.