This Latest Article is For You, Bill Simmons

By: Alex Harris

Contributions: Mike VIgilante and Dave Leventhal

Recently, I was sifting through Bill Simmons’ mailbag and I came across a fan asking The Sports Guy to create his very own “Athlete Funny Scale.”  Of course, being the comical genius that he is, his response wasn’t half-hearted, but rather a meticulously designed system (from 0.0 to 10.0) ranking athletes based on their humor.  Sure, it was phenomenal, but us here at theBESTmag decided to devise our own list of individuals throughout the wide, often witty, world of sports and give the ESPN columnist a run for his money.

Here’s his column: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090717

Enjoy it. Soak it in. But, here’s our version of the “Athlete Funny Scale.”

0.0 — Comedically Dead

“Don’t even try to engage them.”  To us, these are people that think to themselves, “Am I allowed to be funny? Better yet, what is funny?”  Examples: Derrick Rose, Roger Goodell, Eric Mangini

1.0 — Comedically Ambivalent

“They kinda get it, they’re not opposed to humor, it’s just that they’re not funny themselves.” Examples: Serena Williams (just watch the 2009 ESPYs), Jeff Gordon

2.0 — Woefully Unfunny

“These athletes want to be funny but keep getting it wrong and end up being slightly creepy. They’re 1.0s trapped in 2.0 bodies. For some reason this increases the odds that they might be a presenter at the ESPYS by 2,000 percent.”  In our view, these personalities want to be funny, so badly, that everything they say seems scripted, yet it always come out wrong.  Examples: Drew Rosenhaus, Joe Buck, Keyshawn Johnson (while on the 1-15 Jets), Jose Canseco

3.0 — Comedically Deceiving

“Even though it seems they should be funny, they aren’t funny at all and don’t try to be funny. But yet, there’s something slightly funny about them. Just slightly.”  Examples: Zydrunus Ilgauskus, Richard Hamilton, Tim Tebow, Tyler Hansbrough

4.0 — Orchestrated Funny

“Seemingly humorless guys who show occasional signs of possibly being funny in private, only we can’t be sure and you wouldn’t bet on it.” From our perspective, these are the guys that come off so stern, that when in the confines of their own home, they must be funny.  Examples: Bill Belechick, Lamar Odom, Joe Girardi

4.5 — Maria Sharapova Funny

“Covers any attractive female athlete who tries to be funny in a light way and fails, only we don’t care because she’s hot.”  Examples: Danica Patrick

5.0 — Learned Funny

“Humorless people who learn how to be adequately sports-funny in the right situations by mimicking the behavior of others, whether it’s by developing an overboard fake laugh, yelling “Daaaaaaammmmmn!” after someone else makes a joke, repeating funny jokes that other people said first, or making virtual videos of ideas that other people wrote. They can fool you on the right day.”  Examples: Every NFL defensive back (just think about it, for a second)

6.0 — Formulaically Funny

“This is the most common group: basically 5.0 guys, but with just enough savvy to possibly parlay this pseudo-funniness into a post-retirement TV career that will inevitably annoy you.”  Examples: Mike Ditka (and the rest of the NFL Live Crew), Joey Porter

7.0 — Clubhouse Funny

“Guys who keep it loose in the locker room by laughing hysterically at everyone else’s jokes, using nakedness as an ongoing comedy crutch or by continually convincing their dumbest teammates to check out what’s in the toilet in stall No. 2.”  Just like Simmons, we would love to hang out with these guys, because they’re the greatest.  It’s that simple.  Examples: A.J. Burnett, every Latino player on the 2006 Mets roster

8.0 — Sneaky Funny

“Athletes who can be legitimately funny behind the scenes (usually stars or superstars) but do an excellent job of hiding that side publicly. Usually it seeps out later in their careers.”  Examples: Dan Marino, Jason Taylor, Carlos Beltran

9.0 — Intentionally/Unintentionally Funny

“Self-explanatory.”  Us here at theBESTmag think of these folks as people who make us laugh all the time, no matter what they happen to be talking about.  Examples: Rex Ryan, Ozzie Guillen, Mike Tyson (only unintentionally, of course)

9.5 — Legitimately Funny

“Teammates rave about how funny they are. If they get miked up, they’ll always have one or two good lines. Even their interviews are good if they’re invested. Would they be one of your three funniest friends? Probably not. But they’re still funny.”  These people, they’re just hilarious.  Examples: Manny Ramirez (only when being Manny), Bob Uecker (”Juuuuuuuusst a ‘bit outside”)

10.0 — Laugh Out Loud Funny

To my surprise, The Sports Guy couldn’t even explain himself for this category.  From our point of view, people from the world of sports who are laugh out loud funny, make you laugh at the slightest thought of one of their interviews, mistakes, or YouTube videos.  Examples: Marshawn Lynch (in every aspect of life), Lane Kiffin, Milton Bradley, Bobby Valentine (solely because after getting tossed from a game, he returned to the dugout wearing glasses and a fake mustache), Wade Boggs (because he reportedly drank 70 beers during a trip from New York to Los Angeles), Phil Wellman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGZUKHtW7vg)

Well, there it is, theBESTmag Blog’s version of Bill Simmons’ “Athlete Funny Scale.”  I’m sure you enjoyed it as much as we did.  Much thanks to Bill Simmons for his carefully thought-out criteria.